Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Fear The People In Chicken Suits, For They Are As Intensely Scary As Clowns

I missed some good old suburban terrorism yesterday, right near my house, while I was slogging away at my job in the city (I always miss all the good stuff...), as representatives from PETA protested outside my old primary school, to further the cause of chickens. PETA chose that spot because the primary school was built on (or near) the site of a chicken farm, although we're talking 50 to 60 years ago. Nevertheless, PETA deemed it an appropriate place to make a statement, and probably freaked the kids out – one protestor was dressed in a chicken suit and others handed out "chicken chump" cards that are ripoffs of the old Garbage Pail Kids stickers from the 80s (currently being reworked and re-released by Topps for the new millennium), which I claim as instant collectables, and demand to be sent my own (mail me!).

Now, I'm as concerned about the plight of chickens as is any other respectable vegetarian but, honestly, how could anyone think this was a good idea? Those kids (aged around six to 12) are at a very impressionable age but are more likely to grow up with an unnatural fear of full-size costumed cartoon characters (goodbye next year's family vacation to Disneyland) than a distaste for consuming chickens – after all, a cooked chicken looks nothing like that cute fluffy baby cheeping thing you visit at farms.

It's also a well known fact (or maybe it isn't, which is the problem) that PETA is run by a bunch of urban terrorists that believe that all animals should be free – no zoos, no farms (the cows must run free, like they do in the wild!), definitely no pets. If you delve into the behind-the-scenes stuff, it's actually quite scary. I refuse to say anything more here, for fear of being targetted.

Meanwhile, we are likely only to know the extent of the kid's psychological scarring years from now, probably at the most inopportune time, such as at an annual UCT float parade charity event for SHAWCO or the annual SAX Appeal day, which may come to a standstill as a number of students suddenly irrationally refuse to dress up or participate. I can't wait... I mean, because it will be an interesting phenomenon. Of course.

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